D.K.'s Journal of Radiation Treatment
14 Oct 2013 - Hunting Aliens
Episode #1 There are aliens in Texas! "It's kinda like being abducted by aliens. You know it happened, but you can't remember the details." Spent this Monday in Texas at MDAnderson. It was rather like an alien abduction. Blood was drawn (twice). I was flushed, poked, prodded, had things put where nothing was meant to go, imaged (twice), and given several shots in an assortment of places; some unmentionable. They even left tattoos. Looking forward to the "can't remember the details" part.
28 Oct 2013 - Hunting Aliens
Episode #2 Power Naps. The Aliens made me change into some gowns. The first one left my nether regions exposed so they gave me a second one to cover that. If I could just figure out how to tie the darn things, one just might do. Once I got the gowns sorted out they rubbed my belly with some instrument and told me I was 220 and should be OK! Heck, I've never weighted more than a buck eighty so I guess their instruments aren't so accurate. Then they let me take a nap while some machine whirred slowly round and back while making a few clicking sounds. Best of all there wasn't any poking, prodding, bloodletting, or other alien experiments. Then they said, "Nap is over. Come back tomorrow." If I didn't have to make water I could have laid there a while longer. The Power Naps never did enough for me.
31 Oct 2013 - Hunting Aliens
Episode #3 No Proof. So today I'm a little worried. This is Halloween. Never can tell how Aliens will react on Halloween! They may actually be the vampires and werewolves eveyone talks about. Hey, they have a lot in common. Tons of stories about them. Folks say they exist but they can never find proof. Heck, Sasquatch is probably an Alien too! If they start talking blood tests without a needle, I'm outa' here!
4 Nov 2013 - Hunting Aliens
Episode #4 What's with the water? All is good. I survived Halloween! I know you were worried so I figured I get that out there first. No vampires or werewolves (which means we still don't have proof). Most of the Aliens are pretty small so I guess Sasquatch is out too. They didn't even want any blood. Just that whirclick machine again. Oh! And water. What is it with the Aliens and the water? Ever since they did one of those Alien surgical experiments on me couple years back, I can barely hold my water. Now they make me drink water all the time. I'm beginning to feel like a Brita Filter. Put water in one end and it almost immediately comes out the other. Not sure I trust that Alien water cooler. Probably put something in there to make it even harder to hold your water. I suspect it's some sick Alien practical joke
7 Nov 2013 - Hunting Aliens
Episode #5 Towels and Aliens. Anyone who has listened to, read, or seen "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" knows you never leave the planet without your towel. According to the Hitchhiker's guide "A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have." I'm beginning to think Douglas Adams knew a thing or two about Aliens. I wonder if he was abducted too. Anyway, these Aliens won't let you go anywhere without a towel. They have stacks of towels in every room. The Gown Changing Room...stacks of towels. Belly Rubbing Room...stacks of towels. The Whir-click Machine Room...yep..stacks of towels. You sit on your towel, you lie on your towel, you cover yourself with your towel. These Aliens are dead serious about towels. Curious though, only the earthlings have to carry towels. The Aliens never have a towel with them. Of course, they probably have a spaceship and don't have to hitchhike. I might have to look into this. Until then, keep your towel handy. And wear underwear without holes. Remember what your mom said, "you don't want to be caught in an intergalactic accident wearing underwear with holes in them."
13 Nov 2013 - Hunting Aliens
Episode #6 Lab Coats. Ok! I know you've been wondering. I'm still on the planet. Never far from my towel though. I've been quietly observing the Aliens. Some of them act a lot like us. In fact, I think some may be earthlings who have been brainwashed to do the Aliens bidding. You know, kind of like Gru's minions in Despicable Me! Only Gru had minions with names like Dave, Phil, and Stuart. These minions have names like Thu, Ann, and Nancy. However, like good minions, they operate all the Alien machines and help with the Alien experiments. Maybe it's the ones in the white lab coats that are the Aliens. Do you ever see them without their lab coats.....no. They're hiding something under those lab coats. I bet if you ever saw one without the lab coat you would spot them as an Alien right off. They order all the experiments. They order the shots, the pills.They do weekly checks on how the experiments are going. And they get the minions to do all the hard work. I'm keeping my eye open for more minions. Bet they are everywhere. Thought I saw some working at Kroger the other day. There was an Alien behind the meat counter in a white lab coat keeping an eye on them. Keep watch......
20 Nov 2013 - Hunting Aliens
Episode #7 The MRI. Now I'm getting somewhere. Been watching these Aliens and their Minions a little closer and I got it dead right. Lab coat - Alien. No lab coat - Minion. Then I got to thinking; how do they get the earthlings to become Minions. I haven't seen any Vulcan mind-melds or anything like it. It has to be the machines. So I've been checking out the machines the Minions operate. I suspected Old #6 thinking they was trying to make a Minion out of me. I spent about a week watching Old #6 then it occurred to me. They got this thing pointed at the wrong end. Never done much thinking from that end. Now maybe it's like the belly rubbing machine that gets your weight different every time and it just ain't working but, they have a lot of Minions so they must have a machine that works somewhere. I started checking out some of the other machines just in case I was wrong. Sure enough, I found it. They call it the MRI machine. Now with this machine they pass your whole body through. Don't matter what end does the thinking they got it covered. It's the name that gave it away. They have some sign like Magnetic Resowhatever Imaging (MRI) machine. But tell me. You've played with magnets. Probably got them stuck to your refrigerator. Ever seen one make an image. Didn't think so. Clever these Aliens. I think MRI is Alien code for Minion Response Inducer. They just pass an earthling through the MRI a time or six and bang!....got yourself another Minion. So think twice if an Alien in a lab coat says you need a MRI. They've got you pegged for a Minion.
20 Nov 2013 - Hunting Aliens
Episode #8 Lincoln Logs. I've been wondering how they decide who would make the best minions. Lot of folks like me getting passed through the Alien Machines every day. I talked to a few who have been through some Alien Machine or another over 35 times. They didn't make minions outta' them. Heck I've done more than twenty and no minion response yet. Still sharp as ever! Well I figured it out. The Aliens have recruiting teams. Yep! They go out into the community seeking minions. Giving earthlings an aptitude test. Start young too. Had a couple Aliens at my grandson's Birthday Party. Said they were there to help entertain, but they were Aliens. I could tell... Yes Sir!... Lab Coats.
Now these Aliens talked like it would be fun to build Lego Robots. They gave all the kids computers with robot building instructions. All the kids started building robot machines. These machines looked a little like alien robot alligators with snapping jaws. When they got done they plugged them into the computers and and controlled them from there. If that ain't a Alien Minion machine running aptitude test what is? Ten years old and the Aliens are already identifying potential Minions. I am an old guy. When I was ten we didn't have Legos; just Lincoln Logs. Darned hard to computerize a lincoln log. Probably why they aren't making a minion outta' me. Most of the other guys going through routine Alien experiments are old too. I guess they just didn't have the aptitude tests worked out so well back then. Tell you what though. I'm hiding my grandson for another ten years! He knocked out that Alien alligator robot in no time.
4 Dec 2013 - Hunting Aliens
Episode #9 Expiration Dates. Last weekend I was firing up the charcoal grill for some football and BBQ and the fool lighter quit working. Thirty, maybe forty, times I've used that thing and it just quit working. It's kind of like the new soft contact lenses. Use them about thirty times and you have to toss them. I got to thinking about this during halftime and I now I'm getting worried. Remember I told you about some of the old guys who had been through more than thirty Alien Experiments? Well, I never see those guys around anymore. They just vanished. Seems like there are a limited number of Alien experiments you can do on a earthling. Maybe we come with an expiration date or something.
Now I've been through over 25 of those Alien experiments and yesterday one of the Minions started painting stuff on me. Said it was some kind of extra focus or something. The tattoos were one thing, but now they are painting on me. Modesty forbids I tell you where. Let's just say it's getting pretty close to personal. Anyway, that's not the point. They are painting stuff on me. Some kind of Alien symbols or something. Now I don't read Alien, but my gut says it's an expiration date. Something like, "This earthling will expire in ten experiments." If they do this again I'll know it's a count down. Let me tell you I'm more than a little worried about what happened to the other old guys I was telling you about. I figure I have about 7-8 days to sort this thing out before I find out the hard way.
Episode #10 - The Truth About Aliens.
There are Aliens in Texas. The Aliens are real and I have found them. I was, however, wrong about them. They aren't the folks in Lab Coats. The folks in Lab Coats are Alien hunters. Yep! Day in and Day out they are hunting Aliens. And the Minions? They help the Alien hunters track down the aliens and kill them. You see the Aliens have a name and it is Cancer!
The Alien hunters found some of them hiding in me. The Minions are just trying to kill them. That's what Old #6 does. It kills Aliens. That's the whole reason they built MDAnderson. To protect us from Aliens where they can and kill 'em when they can't. But you already knew all this; didn't you.
Zeno of Cyprus (334-262 BC) founded the stoic school of philosophy. Today we have generally reduced this school of philosophy to the modern meaning of the word stoic; "one who accepts life's slings and arrows without whining about it." That's pretty much what we do every day lying there on the table trying to find our center, trying to accept what is happening to us, and trying not to lose control of an overfull bladder. Old #6 whirs and clicks and we hope and pray it is doing it's job. Not for us; we're stoics. We are getting daily lessons in acceptance. Whir. Click. We hope and pray because the Aliens affect everyone around us; wives, sons, daughters, grandchildren. How nice it would be to see that burden lifted from their shoulders. The clouds of worry chased from the corners of their eyes. Wise Zeno said we should accept life's slings and arrows. However, there's no record that he ever said we couldn't find humor in them.
I hope you have found some small humor in these little tidbits. Something to lighten your burden perhaps. Writing them helped me.
Remember to say thank you to the Alien hunters like Dr. Kuban and their Minions. Especially the Minions. In my case; Thu, Ann, and Nancy. They have always been upbeat and respectful. I'm not sure I have always been the same. Once more under Old #6. Whir. Click. Then off for a little of the best single malt Scotch I can find and more fiber than anyone should eat in a single meal. Whoever thought you could miss fiber this much! Oatmeal is back on the menu boys!
Whir. Click. Cross your fingers and ring the bell three times.